i often wonder what i would be doing, where i would be, what i would have already accomplished had i not developed/been graced with the misfortune of clinical depression (chronic depression, major depressive disorder, dysthymia). i suppose the daydreaming is futile and will only serve to make me feel like a failure; someone who has squandered her potential, talent, intelligence, ambition, and drive spending days on end hiding in bed and crying her life away. needless to say, i am upset not only with myself, but my depression (as if it were alive, tangible, physical, choke-able). which always brings me to the question:
WHAT NOW?
i look at the past 10 years of my life and what i have done - which is a lot given the context and circumstances - and i feel proud…but it’s the “what if’s” that kill me because i know i would be doing - I WOULD BE - so…much…more.
sure, this experience has taught me a lot - about myself, others, relationships, self-worth, coldness and compassion - but…really? i couldn’t have learned this some other way?
a way less painful. a way less long-lasting. a way that is a little more forgiving. a way that is…just fucking less HARD.
i don’t want to come across feeling sorry for myself - i am simply upset. i feel like i am not yet done mourning - don’t even yet completely understand and haven’t come to terms with - how full of an impact my depression has had on me. i try to fight it and live like it doesn’t exist…and perhaps this is the problem.
